The following journal entries are those of Stormtrooper TK-726, a struggling, low-level attorney stationed on the first Death Star. They largely depict his trials and tribulations as a last-resort Imperial attorney. Found floating in space by a band of smugglers, Mos Eisley Radio acquired the journals and has set to work on translating and documenting the content. Though his fate is still shrouded in mystery, at this point, one thing is strikingly unclear: Who knows why TK-726 even bothered to record his these things?
Journal Entry 11-82-21
A pretty angry trooper came stomping into my office earlier today. He was all irate about something, but I was finishing a brief so I told him to just have a seat. When he went to sit down, instead of turning around, he backed up while facing me and then shuffled laterally. It was very bizarre and it immediately caught my attention.
“OK, take your helmet off and tell me what’s on your back that you don’t want me to see?” I asked, putting my brief away.
He had his full stormtrooper gear on. I like to have people take their helmet off so I can read their eyes. I, of course, keep mine on because I don’t want them to see my eyes, and it looks cool with my suit.
He looked mad and sheepish at the same time, which is quite the expression. When he turned around I didn’t see anything particularly interesting about the back of his armor. Then he pointed at his ass-plate.
Somebody had branded a perfect visage of Vader’s helmet on the left cheek of his pearly white backside armor.
It was spectacular.
“I gotta say, somebody is an artist. Where do you even get a brand capable of doing that on the Star?” I asked. It was truly impressive work, and to acquire or build a brand like that was amazing. The trooper didn’t share my appreciation.
“I want to sue someone.”
“Hold on. Why don’t you just get a new plate?”
“The guys at Equipment and Maintenance think it’s funny, they said they’re out of plates until Friday.”
“I assume it’s the talented SOB that branded your armor that you’re looking to sue here, and not the clowns at Equipment. Who was it?”
“I’m not sure.”
I paused. This, believe it or not, is not an uncommon situation. “Well, that’s going to be a bit of a problem.”
“I think it’s TK-1037. He accused me of cheating when I beat him in sabaac a few weeks ago.”
Now this type of thing happens quite a bit. Some angry person comes storming in wanting vengence. The problem is that the law isn’t always the best avenue for this. Sometimes you just have to be a little more creative.
“Let me break this down for you. You want to sue TK-1037 because he stamped Vader’s face on your ass, which by the way is truly impressive work. So you’re going to sue this guy and guess what? You’re going to be famous by the end of the day. Every officer on this whole space station is going to know that you’re sitting on Vader’s mug, and sooner or later so will the big guy himself, and then it’s chokey-chokey time. And for what? You think you’re going to get “paid” for this? What are your damages? Embarrassment and future infamy? Good luck with that, buddy.”
I motioned him closer.
“Here’s what you do, kid. You take whatever money you wanted to pay me and go down to Equipment. You give it to my buddy TK-481 and tell him that I sent you. Explain that this guy got you good and you’re looking for some payback. Tell him to hide all the codpieces for 48 hours. Then you go back up to joker’s room when he’s working out and superglue a whole bunch of your hair in strategic places to his. Oh, and get yourself a new assplate before you get yourself killed.”
Who says lawyers aren’t creative?